


In the Deep End

by LovelySapphire



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Betrayal, Cheating, Depression, Drugs, Falling In Love, M/M, Partner Betrayal, Smoking, change
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-08
Updated: 2014-07-21
Packaged: 2018-02-07 23:17:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1917735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LovelySapphire/pseuds/LovelySapphire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes life is beautiful and precious. All of those happy moments of your life become loving memories. Until, the one person that you love is gone. Life becomes a complete and utter mess. This is the story how Armin Arlert died and slowly but surely finds his way out of the deep end in life and finally learn how to breathe on his own.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Attention

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! If anyone would like to give me any suggestions to make this fanfic even better please comment on it! Just a fair warning! This fic is centered around depression & betrayal and how to live through it. Just thought I should warn you before reading. Hope you enjoy! :)

It wasn’t supposed to be like this. At least he wasn’t supposed to be the complete wobbly pathetic mess he was now. Spending his days now in his locked room. Laying in bed doing nothing but listen to music. His earbuds blasted into his ears. Armin Arlert was tired of silence. Not up until about three weeks ago his life was filled with sound. Smiles, laughter, and love was in the air. Snuggling into his warm blanket his arm twitched. He could feel his stomach almost vibrating against the fabric of his dark navy blue blanket. Not caring what time it was he knew it was time for his stomach to at least have something inside it. The only problem that he had was that it meant he had to get out of his room.

Not remembering the last time he ever came out of his room ever since that day he knew he must have come out sometime to grab some food. Feeling his stomach growl yet again he groans moving his body off of the bed. All he wanted to become was a blanket burrito. What was so wrong with that? It was his life after all, he could do whatever he wanted. Finally after groaning about getting up he ultimately reaches to the conclusion that he should probably get up. Wrapping his rather small hand around the doorknob he turns it so that the door can open first unlocking it. 

Blinking a raised brow would be shown on his face if someone was there to see him. Luckily there wasn’t. Armin’s perfect straight short bowl hair was now a bed head. Pale peachy skin, and a healthy glow that was normally on his cheeks were gone. His skin looked so pale that he looked like he wasn’t even alive. The reason for the raised brow was because he was trying to remember when the heck he cleaned his apartment. He could have sworn that all of the ruined pictures of him and his ex-fiance were all over the floor of his apartment building that him and Eren Jaeger once shared. 

“Mikasa must have found a way inside and cleaned my apartment up.” Armin thought as he opens the white fridge. Of course all of the food that was in the fridge was either all moldy or didn’t look appetizing. Letting out a sigh escape his pale thin lips he looks over at the table to see the cards that his friends gave him. They were all wedding gifts from them. A ghost of a smile formed on his face but quickly was erased when he hears another growl from his hungry stomach. Breaking all of the rules he decides to order chinese. He hasn’t had it in a while. Eating nothing but rabbit food for a whole six months to look good for his wedding day was all for nothing. Armin deserved this. 

Grabbing his telephone that was on the floor picking up dust he orders what he wants, and boy was it a whole lot. Deciding to go on his laptop he notices that the time now was 8:46pm. It would take at least a half an hour for the delivery man he figured. Looking out the window he see’s a man smoking as he walks down the street. Swallowing the saliva that collected in his mouth he gulps. Maybe ...just Maybe… quickly trying to find his wallet, puts on his sandals he walks to a local smoke shop that was just a block away from his New York hipster apartment. Not knowing what the difference was between Menthols, Reds, and Golds he just told the cashier “I don’t care just give me something that is popular.” He sighed looking at him. After handing the man the money he flicks his newly bought BIC lighter and lights up a cigarette. Looking at the light blue box he reads the brand “American Native Spirits”. Never smoked a cigarette in his life he starts a coughing fit. Needing air he gasps for it and breathes a few times to calm himself down. Looking down at the cigarette he wonders if he should continue smoking it. 

Maybe what he needed was to get his mind to think about something else besides Eren. He wanted to think about anything else besides him. Maybe just maybe cigarettes will work. Taking another inhale of tobacco he tries to make the nicotine to flow more smoothly into his lungs but he fails and starts to cough again covering his mouth, eyes watering as he did so. Breathing in and out much more slowly he takes another inhale. Trying to get used to the nicotine fill his lungs he continues to smoke his cigarette as he walks back to his apartment. Seeing a convienience store he throws the cig on the ground destroying it with his heel before walking into the store swiftly. After a quick stop to get some snacks, and soda he then walks back to his apartment. Luckily the delivery man wasn’t there yet. Grabbing the closest book to read while he waited he almost wanted to squeal when he heard the door knock.

Opening the door giving the man the money telling him to keep the change he closes the door putting the huge paper bag of goodness on the table he takes out a box of pork fried rice, egg rolls, and his chicken teriyaki he begins to eat as if he hadn’t eaten in weeks. As he eats he hears the telephone ring. Deciding to ignore it he continues to eat as he reads his book. After eating almost half of his food he decides to put everything back in the bag and put it in the fridge. Leftovers are always good. Hearing his telephone go off yet again he just stares at it for a couple rings until he reaches for it and presses the green button to answer it. 

“....Yes?....” he asks grabbing his pack of cigarettes, taking one out and putting the cig in between his lips he lights it taking a big inhale and exhale. He almost wants to smile when he hears Mikasa’s voice on the other line. 

“Armin?.....you’ve finally answered.” she gasped. The obvious mixture between of relief and worry was in her voice. 

“The ringing was annoying me.” he simply answered taking another inhale of the cancer stick. 

A sigh could be heard, his eyes just staring at a broken picture of him, Eren and Mikasa on the beach having a picnic along the shore. He wondered why he didn’t rip it like the rest of the pictures he had. 

“I’m so sorry… Armin. For what happened between you and Eren” She murmured. “ I didn’t know anything about Eren and Le-” 

“Don’t you dare even say his name. The only acceptable names that he deserves is whore, slut, or homewrecker in my book.” He hissed taking in another hit of tobacco. Suddenly memories of that day came into his head. Eyes burning warning Armin that tears are going to start happening. But not this time. Blinking them away he sniffs again. 

“Can we talk about something else...please?” he begged his voice hitched at the please. “ I don’t want to talk about Eren or that whore right now. I-I just want to talk about something else.” He explained. 

“Alright, how have you been doing? It’s been three weeks. I’ve been over at your house about three days ago. I cleaned it up for you.”  
“You didn’t have to do that Mikasa I could have done it.” Armin replied rubbing his forehead with his fingertips. Something told Armin that Mikasa would have argued with him, and she would have just cleaned his apartment anyways. 

“Not in your current position Armin. “She countered it sounded like she was taking a sip of something to drink. 

“ Some of us were wondering if you would like to join us tomorrow. We can do anything you want Armin just please. You’ve been in your room long enough. We miss you. I miss you. Hell even Annie misses you and that says something.” her calm voice turning into a tone of begging which meant to Armin that Mikasa wasn’t kidding around.  
Biting his bottom lip he’s silent for a moment he finally says “Fine, but the first place I want to go to is Starbucks got it.” Armin answered realizing his cig was out. 

Mikasa snorts “Of course, I’ll be there whenever you want.”  
“2 o clock I’ll meet you there okay Mikasa?” Armin asks wanting to make sure it was okay with her. 

“2pm, see you there.” She said. After hanging up the phone does he then realize that the whole time he was in his bedroom listening to music, he never payed attention to the lyrics.


	2. Free of Mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What are friends exactly for? Comfort, happiness, laughter, and loosening up? Answer: All of the above  
> Notes are at the bottom ~

The day Eren Jaeger told him that the wedding was off and decided to run off with his whore of a boss was basically the day Armin Arlert completely stopped living. Armin had been friends with him ever since they where little. Every time he saw Eren wearing his football jacket with the numbers 26 on the back of it it was almost like seeing the superman logo. Imagine that the only person that made you truly and honestly happy was no longer there. They found someone else. Well technically Eren didn’t find someone else. You see, Eren was stolen from him. He knew for a fact that him and Eren are supposed to be together Call it fate or destiny but Eren was supposed to be his forever and ever for all eternity. Until Levi the most immoral human being on the planet known to mankind had to just waltz in and ruin everything. 

No one understands what its like to be him. At least that's what Armin thinks anyways. Imagine being dead not wanting to do anything at all. There was absolutely positively no reason for him to breathe anymore. But here he was looking at himself in the mirror his heart annoyingly beating away. What a waste of a heart, it could belong to someone else right now. Oh well, why would he care about living and death now of all times? There is no point in anything anymore. He will pretend to be happy around his friends. Lies coming out of his mouth easily. Almost breathlessly. As long as Armin had a mask on his face no one would truly know how twisted and broken he was. And he was going to keep it that way forever. He has accepted his fate that no one on this earth could truly understand him. Besides Eren of course. 

 

You know the feeling in your stomach when you feel like you’re either going to puke or have diarrhea. Well thats the feeling that Armin’s stomach was feeling right now. Taking his disgusting pajamas off he enters the shower letting out a small moan feeling the warm water pours all over his body. Taking a shower felt absolutely amazing. He never realized the importance of good hygiene until now. His hair was now squeaky clean instead of greasy and messy. His body didn’t smell of body odor anymore thank goodness, his body smelled like pomegranate. Armin didn’t really care for any of the shower gel for men. The scent was just way too strong for his liking. As he lays his forehead against the wall of the shower he see’s the water just pour down his naked body. He pretended that the water would completely cleanse his body. All the negativity rinsed away and went through the drain to god knows where. 

After being in his own little world for who knows how long he finally gets out of the shower starting to dry his pale thin body off. After his skin and his hair semi dry he decides to dress in normal clothes instead of different colored pajamas bottoms and Armin’s favorite hoodies that were normally a size bigger. Looking in the mirror he sees his reflection in which he hasn’t seen in days. His dark navy blue skinny jeans matched very well with the dark gray V-neck sweater he was wearing. A white t-shirt was underneath the sweater. If Armin was honest with himself he didn’t feel ready to meet with his friends today. Why couldn’t it have been some other day? Why today? but then again Mikasa did say that if he stayed in his apartment any longer that she would make Armin see a shrink. He didn’t want anyone to know how gone he was, so now he had to at least try to please Mikasa in some way. The last thing he would ever want is to go to see a therapist. He’s gone to one before and he absolutely couldn’t stand it. He would rather drink gasoline anyday than to see one again. The only plus side of seeing a therapist was the prescription side of it. Lorazepam did wonders when you couldn’t sleep at night and plus it felt amazing. He didn’t know if it was just him but that stuff made his brain all fuzzy in the right places. He wonders if it is almost like smoking marijuana. He’ll have to try it sometime. Probably with Bertholdt, Reiner and Connie. He’ll have to put that on his maybe list for now in the back of his head. 

After he was all dressed up he lights up a cig from his pack realizing that it his cigs were pretty much all gone. He’d have to buy another pack today for sure. When a sigh escapes his lips a straight line of smoke came out of his mouth. It almost looked like a dragon exhaling smoke out of his nostrils. Noticing his broken samsung galaxy s on the table he knew he would have to get a new one. Also wondering when in the hell he even broke it. Armin wasn’t even going to try to attempt to remember. He couldn’t remember much of anything anymore. And he didn’t exactly want to either. For some reason the more he remembers certain things about his past, the more Eren is brought up in his mind. And woolah his mind begins to wonder into the universe making him appear mentally deranged yet again. 

Stretching his arms out yawning he hears a knock at the door. Furrowing his brows together he wondered who it would be. It couldn’t be Eren of all people he would dare show his dumb face yet unless he really wanted to get punched. The damn masochist might even turned on by that. A small frown forms on his face, shaking his thoughts away he opens the door a sigh ( he was doing that a lot these days sighing ) of relief. It was Mikasa. She looked good like always. Black skirt, white blouse with her red scarf wrapped around her neck. He swore if Mikasa could shower with that scarf on her body she would. 

“I just stopped by to make sure that you were coming.” Mikasa stated as she fixes her scarf a bit making it appear looser around her neck.  
“You might be considered Eren’s mother but you sure aren’t mine Mikasa.” He mumbled as he puts on his skipper sneakers. Grabbing his wallet placing it in his pocket he gives Mikasa a small smile.  
“Ready Sleeping Beauty?” She asks him.  
Armin merely rolled his eyes “Oh bite me Maleficent.” He grumbled walking out of his apartment and locking it before the left.  
As they walk Armin lights his last cigarette that was in his pack, in which he frowned at that. Noticing Mikasa’s shocked face he just shivers not wanting her to give him that look. 

“Please don’t even lecture me, you can lecture Eren all you want but not me.” he said smoothly before inhaling the tobacco his lungs still new to the toxin but was slowly getting used to it. 

“Armin I care about you just as much as I care about Eren. I love you so much Armin. I know for a fact that smoking isn’t you.” She argued.  
“You’re the smartest person I know of, and to see you smoking…” she continued.  
“Well then stop asking questions Mikasa, haven’t you ever even noticed that most intelligent people in the world smoke?” He asks.  
“No comment..” Mikasa sighed giving up on the matter noticing that they were close to their destination which was of course Starbucks. 

Armin took in the city ignoring all of the people that are walking ahead of them or walking past them. He just wanted to go to starbucks, talk to his friends, drink his Java chip Frappuccino and leave so he can buy more cigarettes and read. Putting his cig out before entering into Starbucks, the heavy scent of coffee was in the air. Armin inwardly moaned with delight. Once inside he saw most of his friends which were Reiner, Bertholdt, Annie, Connie, Sasha, Historia and Ymir.. They all hugged him one by one even Annie did which was surprising to say the least. 

“We are so sorry for what happened! And we all promise not to talk about how Eren screwed you over, we just want to let you know that we care about you and that if you ever need anything Armin just tell us!” Sasha smiled hugging him again.  
He tried his best to fight back his tears but he just couldn’t contain them anymore. He will forever remain grateful for the friends he has. Feeling his eyes burn he could feel a couple tears rolling down his cheeks. A hand rubs his back soothingly. 

“Thank you, all of you. You all have no idea how much you guys mean to me..” Armin murmured. Sniffing he wipes the tears from his cheeks and his eyes before grabbing his drink and taking a sip of it. If this Java chip frappuccino was a person he would let it fuck him for all eternity.  
“Enough of that depressing stuff Arm! Lets make you better again okay?” Reiner grinned wildly before patting his back.  
Armin just gives Reiner a simple nod before taking another sip no tears threatening to escape his eyes.  
“O-okay..”He whimpered before giving him a small smile that showed a bit of his straight teeth.  
He was honestly having so much fun with his friends but then at the corner of his eye he spots a couple holding hands. The girl leans into her boyfriend, the man kissing her on the forehead before telling her to order anything she wanted. Just like how Eren would too. Suddenly Armin saw red. Why was he thinking about him yet again? It was starting to become maddening. 

Staring down at his now empty fancy Starbucks cup that contained chocolate deliciousness he hears a voice talking to him.  
Glancing up to see Connie he blinks “Pardon? S-sorry I was in my own little world” he explained.  
“It’s alright! we were just wondering if you wanted to grab a drink with us tonight?” He asks. “It’ll loosen you up a little bit. Might be fun.” Sasha explained.  
Seeing Mikasa’s mouth open to answer for him he cuts her off  
“Sure, I don’t mind.” He stated as a matter of factly. Everyone pauses for a moment surprised because everyone in the group knew that Armin wasn’t much of a drinker at all. It was just so new to them.  
Seeing Mikasa make her normal motherly hen face he glances at her.  
“It’ll be a change of scenery for me Mikasa. Besides, this way I’m not locked in my room again right?” he asks.  
Mikasa just blinks for a few moments before nodding her head  
“I suppose so..It’s just unlike you is all.” Mikasa shrugged. 

After everyone leaves Starbucks Armin says goodbye to Mikasa telling her that he will meet her at the bar called “Wall Rose”. It was known for being a pretty nice decent bar, and heard few complaints about it. There was honestly nothing to worry about. Before taking a quick nap he decides to buy a pack of cigarettes at the tobacco outlet store a couple blocks away. As he walked he kept seeing couples all around him. It was like the world was taunting him. Reminding him that he was completely and utterly not wanted. If Eren couldn’t even love him, then who on earth could? Lighting a cigarette he goes into his apartment sits on the couch deciding to read a book about Philosophy before taking a nap. 

Finally waking up on the couch. Armin gets up deciding to get ready for the night. Putting on a decent shirt on, and some jeans he combs his hair rather quickly before straightening it to make his hair look at least a little different. Maybe just maybe he’ll even get it styled and cut soon. Grabbing his wallet that had his ID, his pack of cancer sticks he leaves before locking his door.  
Seeing Mikasa outside he just smiles. There was a look of surprisement on her face.  
“I honestly thought you weren’t going to come. Guess I owe Reiner twenty bucks.” She sighed Rolling his eyes at her he doesn’t need to reply to that. 

After sitting down next to Bertholdt he looks down at the menu completely confused as to what drink he should get. Knowing that beer wasn’t going to be his choice. He tried it only once, and he wanted to vomit as soon as the liquid gold touched his taste buds. For now he decided that Vodka was a must. Armin always wanted to drink it. He figured why not? Ordering a White Russian he waits for his drink to be made. After about a couple minutes a waitress comes back with his drink. Thanking her before she left he takes a sip of it. He loved every single thing about it. The drink was harsh at first and almost burned but then as it went down his throat it became smooth thanks to the coffee liqueur and cream in it. Where has Vodka been all of his life? Taking another drink of it he almost started to pout when it was all gone. Blinking his baby blue eyes just stares at his now empty glass. His brain demanded another but something was gnawing at his brain to not. The thought pretty much flew away when he orders a shot of black cherry vodka, noticing that everyone at the table was going to take some shots too. 

Feeling a pat on his back he looks up to see Connie. Everyone had the shot in their hand and they all as a group clink their glasses.  
“To Armin!” Connie grinned happily.Everyone else mimicked Connie but Armin wasn’t paying attention. Downing the shot along with his friends feeling the Vodka burn his throat. Wiping his lips with his arm he smiles up at his friends.  
“To a new life!” He yelled happily his brain already becoming a little tipsy. Armin wondered what his life will be like now? Staring down at the glass a huge smile forms on his face. Tonight was the night his mind can finally be free of thinking about Eren. All Armin had to thank for was the alcohol and vodka that was in his system. Oh and also forgot to mention his friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for everyone that left a Kudo's on my first chapter of my fanfic! I also thank everyone that bookmarked it as well. I appreciate it all from the bottom of my heart. I really am interested in what you all think of my fanfic. Please leave a review of any thoughts/ideas/suggestions! It really helps me become more of a better writer. Plus it kind of would help me write more different things :) 
> 
> Love you all! 
> 
> Sincerely, 
> 
> LoveySapphire


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